Again

It's my birthday today. A big one- one of those ones with a zero on the end- you can guess.

Usually I look forward to my birthday. We have a bit of a tradition where we make a big fuss over birthdays and celebrate in the lead up.

Not this year.

I'll remember this birthday because for the past 5 weeks (has it really been that long?) my husband and I have not spoken, have not touched, have not said more than 2 words to eachother. It's started again and this time I don't think it's going to end in reconciliation or resolution- it never does actually- but this time I know that there is nothing more that I can do.

I've said before that my relationship has been strained and that last year I resolved to just accept the fact that we don't really share an intellectual or emotional intimacy. I was happy with that I guess- or maybe I was just fooling myself.

What does it mean to say "I don't love you anymore"?
It means that I have failed- again.
It means that I once loved you- but somehow that love got lost and I can't seem to find it. I don't know where it went and I haven't been able to hold on to it.
It means that I've finally faced up to the fact that love is not enough. All those romantic notions we had of how our love was strong enough to break cultural divides, transcend differences, live on forever- it was all bullshit.
It means that I'm not strong enough, not able to cope with the constant cycle of good and bad. One day I'm perfect- your dream wife and the next it seems like I'm everything you don't want.
It means that I can't make you happy- I tried but I just can't.
It means that I can't be who you want or need me to be and you can't accept me as I am.