If you think that you have just one life, think again. There's the life you think you have, the life others think you have and the life you really have- three lives!

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Egyptian Mum Part 1

My mother travels to Egypt much more frequently than I. Each year when she returns she spends hours lamenting the loss of values and growing immorality among Egypts youth- much to my amusement. My mother could have written the book on middle class morality, which often prompts people who meet her to turn to me and say "you're the black sheep aren't you."

I have become very good at pretending to be interested, showing surprise and nodding my head in agreement as she prattles on about the "fasad" that has overcome Egyptian youth.

But nothing could prepare me for this...

A week had passed since my mother had returned and I knew that the time was fast approaching when she would sit me down and begin her rant. She proceeded in her usual way "you would not believe what the youth in Egypt are getting up to these days". As usual I nodded my head in agreement and shook my head in dissaproval as she continued...

"Would you believe" she said, "that it has become common for the young girls and boys to perform a disgusting act where the girl actually puts the boys penis in her mouth!"

What could I do? I had to think quickly! I had to pretend that I shared her utter abhorrence of such lewdness and maintain my virginal status in my mother's eyes (yes, I have been married twice and given birth to two kids, but to our mothers we are always virgins, OK)

Meanwhile part of me was still coming to terms with the realisation that my mother had just used the "P" word, while the other part of me wanted to burst into laughter.

I feigned a look of disgust and then uttered a half arsed "ikhs" (the Egyptian equivalent of ewwww). I dared not look at my mother lest she look into my give away eyes and expose me for the fraud that I was!

All was silent.

A silence that seemed to last forever.

From the corner of my eye, I caught sight of my mother's face, her teeth clenched and her lips pursed and right then I knew exactly that she was thinking... 'the dirty little bitch has done it!'

The incident was never spoken of again and I must say that my mother's annual morality reports have never been the same!


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Egypeter said...

That is a HILARIOUS story!!

I'm pretty sure all Egyptian parents are the same...

The Raccoon said...

LOL :)

It was through Arabs that Europeans discovered sex as a very pleasurable art form... this is really strange, what you say. Especially seing as your mother (I would presume) is from a much more liberated and liberal generation of Egyptians.

You reckon your mom really means it? :)

Anonymous said...


It was through Arabs that Europeans discovered sex as a very pleasurable art form...

Lies! The sexual revolution was less than 40 years ago in the west, and I don't think arabs had much to do with it! Hippies, is more like it :P

Damn, I miss those days. AIDS messed it all up :O

Really cute post, Suspect... I was laughing out loud at the end. You Mom was very diplomatic I think :)

The Usual Suspect said...

Oh she means it alright! My mum's idea of sex is that the woman lies on her back and pretends to hate it. Her various names for penis are 'thing', 'it' and my personal favourite 'the piece of shit between a man's legs'.

I'm not sure where oral sex originated but I don't think the Gips had much to do with it! Maybe those lewd and shameless Anglos invented it and introduced it to our innocent Egyptian virgins because they want to destroy us and make us all wear bikinis against our will :)

My friends Mum sat her down before her wedding night and warned her that if she gave head, she would get throat cancer and die! Seriously.

The Usual Suspect said...


The Egyptians invented everything don't you know! Except oral sex. That was the work of the evil conspiracy.

I reckon we need another sexual revolution- but no long haired hippies with hairy armpits this time.

Sam said...

LOL...@ throat cancer...that just made my day! Throat cancer is one of the numerous warnings mothers give their girls at wedding nights. Ever heard of cavities and lung cancer?

The Usual Suspect said...

My mum'd have to come up with more than tooth cavities to scare me off!!!!
You know how they say that you turn into your mother when you have kids! I don't have daughters so I need to start collecting some ridiculous warnings to share with my boys on their wedding nights- just for a laugh and to fulfill my duty as an Egyptian mum.
Any ideas?

Anonymous said...

dude, how would your mom know what egyptian youth are doing? also i'm pretty sure if acts like that were more widespread, this place would be muchly chilled out. still...hilarious. i had a very similar conversation with my mom once.

Anonymous said...

also, the arabs and the idians did write well-known sex guides, you know. so i'm guessing people were blowing each other in these parts a long time ago.

The Usual Suspect said...

Read Alf Lela wa Lela (1001 Nights)- It's pretty steamy!!!!!!

humble simpleton said...

Wait for the next year, when your mum finds out that the boys and girls perform the disgusting act where the boy actually puts his penis in her asshole. Better you start trainig your 'ikhs'.
Anyway, look what some tunis arab sheikh guy wrote in 16th century:
goto http://www.bibliomania.com in the left side choose 'research' and follow 'non fiction', 'nefzaoui', 'perfumed garden' ikhs

The Usual Suspect said...

Humble simpleton

I've read The Perfumed Garden-"ikhs" indeed!!!!
Karma Sutra-- oooh "double ikhs"