If you think that you have just one life, think again. There's the life you think you have, the life others think you have and the life you really have- three lives!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Egyptian Mum Part 2- The Sex Talk

One day, while chopping carrots, it suddenly dawned on me that I had been remiss in my motherly duties and had neglected the ritualistic sex talk which all parents must endure at some time in their lives:

Suddenly overcome by an urgent sense of parental responsibility, I ran upstairs to where B1, B2 and B3 were playing...

Me: Ummm...boys do you need me to give you the sex talk?

Boys: No Mum, we know everything

B2: Yeah, we know about the penis and the vagina

B1: *giggles like a little girl* You said vagina

Me: Cool, then my work here is done *moon walks out of the room*


OK. So maybe I didn't do too well on the whole sex talk thing. But it's not like I had a good role model....

Egyptians love analogies. They have an analogy for everything. Nothing is what it is, it is always what it is like- men are like walls, women are like cat meat- you get the picture. Not surprising really when you consider what a flowery language Arabic is compared to English.

Consequently, my Mum's version of the sex talk did not involve a penis, or a vagina or birds and bees. In fact my Mum's sex talk did not involve sex at all:

" A woman is like a flower. The first time a man smells a flower, it
smells so lovely. He wants to keep smelling it. But the more he
smells flower the less he can smell until he can no longer smell
the flower and then he doesn't want it anymore and he
looks for another flower."

I first got the sex talk when I "became a woman". Until I got married, the sex talk was an annual event- always the same, never wavering. Without fail, my mother would sit me down and repeat the sex talk word for word (and she NEVER moon walked out of the room when she finished- that was my little innovation!)

I could be forgiven for thinking that I was actually getting a lesson in the fine art of flower arranging, or that sex was something that involved sniffing or that my mother's sex talk was an, albeit obscure, caveat against unpleasant body odour.

It did, infact, take me quite a few years to decipher my mother's coded message about sexual relations between a man and a woman. But by then it was too late... I'd already been sniffed and discarded in favour of another more beautiful flower with an alluring and hedonistic perfume that no man could resist.

My mother's analogy is not completely lost. With a few minor amendments I could really make it work. How's this:

Life is like a rose bush. Watch out for all the pricks!
*moon walks out of the room*

19 comments:

The Raccoon said...

LOL!

Your writing has been especially excellent lately, TUS. You get me all wanting to read that book you're writing :)

Interesting about the sniffing and flowers. I am sure a lot of fartsy research has been done into it, and probably some actual research as well - why are hunam males more prone to seek other partners?

Are they, anyway? Or are women just more discreet?

Oh, and I am pretty sure there are sex education classes nowadays. Aren't there?

"
Life is like a rose bush. Watch out for all the pricks! *moon walks out of the room*"

LOL :)

programmer craig said...

I can see the truth in what your Mom was saying, but that's way over the head of a young girl!

Raccoon,

Are they, anyway? Or are women just more discreet?

There was a study that was on the news here in the US a few years ago. It was on the news because it showed 54% of married women had cheated at least once, and 52% of married me. I guess the media were pretty shocked that the actual numbers went against conventional wisdom.

I think the reasons why men cheat may be different than the reason women do.

Mumbo Jumbo said...

That's better than the sex talk my mom gave me! When I was about 6, I asked my Mom where babies come from- I remember to this day- she said, "When a man and woman love each other and they get married, God puts a baby in the woman's stomach."

I kept wondering, "Does God wait for their wedding day to see the bride in her wedding dress? How would he know they're married?"

A year later at school, my friends told me the real deal. And I thought, "Of course not! My parents would never do that!" I tried picturing my parents, my aunt and uncle, my grandparents; then I completely dismissed that thought.

What a prude I was! :D

kinzi said...

Um 3, very cute and clever! From chopping carrots to the sex talk, women are great multi-taskers.

Anonymous said...

Thank God, I never had such conversation with my parents. :)
They knew I'll manage somehow. I dil. Sort of :)

Lilly

Path2Hope said...

That was hilarious, I love the candor with which you write:)

halalhippie said...

"Life is like a rose bush. Watch out for all the pricks!" LOL, but that's not the kinda story you'd give to boys, is it?
How about "Dogs chase cars. Before they catch one, they should consider what to do with it" nah, too much meat and cat analogy.

How about " a woman is like a mountain, elevated and misty at the top. You climb it 'because it is there' tell the world about it, and start looking for another mountain to climb." ??

hmm...glad I have only daughters :-)

The Usual Suspect said...

Raccooon
Thankyou muchly. Big questions you ask about the hunamtisitc urge to seek greener pastures- will write a post on it because I have much to say.

Craig
see above- I have to stop myself writing too much here- so I'll write a post- soon.

Mumbo Jumbo
LOL- my little one (who is 14 this year) used to think that my breasts were two babies- "twin stistas" he'd call them- "mummy's going to have twin stistas- one stista- two stistas"- Just in case yr thinking it- NO- my boobies aren't THAT huge- my boy just had a vivid imagination- he also wanted to be a McDonald's restaurant- not OWN one, BE one!

Kinzi
It is the essential difference between men and women- the ability for women to do more than one thing at a time.

HH
Yes, yes, a woman is like a mountain and men have an insatiable urge to climb mountains to prove their manhood to the world!
Just as they have an insatiable urge to channel surf...

How about

"women are like watching television- you may be watching one thing but you JUST CAN'T HELP checking out what's on the other stations. So you keep flicking until you spot some boobies and then you say "ooh, I wonder what this show is..." in a feeble attempt to feign some kind of intellectual interest in the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show, until your wife/gf hits you over the head and makes you flick back to "Sleepless in Seattle" as she simultaneously chops carrots, irons the shirts and reads a book."

It's a little long winded...

Roman Kalik said...

Heh, *I* can multi-task quite well. *too* well, even, as trying to focus on a single task is rather difficult for me.

I work best with a book, a cell-phone, twenty open web-pages and a small bowl of sunflower seeds.

Anyways, like your writing style TUS. :)

howie said...

TUS-

I have seen you pop up here and there and now have found your blog.

I have enjoyed your comments and your own blog is done with great emotion and humor. I plan to read you on a regular basis.

The sex talk...funny...part of what I do is working with victims of sex abuse, perpetrators etc. I have done so much talk about sex and sex ed. it is like brushing my teeth. But when it came to talking to my own three kids...I, well...I felt kid of silly.

Actually, I got more into more general concepts and attitudes than I did buttons and dials and I think it was enormously helpful.

At least now the only slut in the family is my wife...just kidding (damnit).

howie said...

TUS-

By the way...if you want to do a post on sexuality or male vs female sexuality...we could have a whole lot of fun...

In the trainings I do..one thing I like to talk about is out of control sex drive...

With men..they have used Depo-Prevera, which is a female birth control, but in men shrinks the testicles and does all kinds of stuff that stiffles the sex drive.

What works on oversexed women?

Wedding cake.

The Usual Suspect said...

Hi Howie
Welcome to my blog and thanks for your comments. I'm glad you like my blog- I started it because I'm writing a book but, because technical writing is a large part of what I do in my work, I find myself getting bogged down with all the technicalities of writing instead of just writing from the heart. On my blog I can do that- I can write from the heart without worrying about much else and it's helping me to overcome my fear of writing creatively.
I will be posting something on male vs female attitudes to sexual relations as I find this fascinating.
I had no idea they give DP to men to control sex drive- I don't even like DP as a birth control method!
As for oversexed women! I would not have thought that would be a problem! Don't men want their women to be more oversexed than undersexed?
I have definitely got to do a post on this...

howie said...

Tus...

It was a joke...Men complain women don't try as hard sexually once they are married.."wedding cake...reduces sex drive"

Yes...DP is used on repeat sex offenders. Repeat sex offender is almost an oxymoron.

But yes I have many many stories about all that stuff...differences between men and women in sex...different wiring..that is for certain.

programmer craig said...

As for oversexed women! I would not have thought that would be a problem!

It can be a problem, Suspect. Men have certain physical limitations, and if a woman wants sex 4 or 5 times a day, every day, that's going to cause some difficulty :)

Not to mention unpleasant skin rashes!

The Usual Suspect said...

Craig
4 or 5 times a day! Such men exist?
Where are these gladiators? These giants among men? I have to see this for myself.
4 or 5 times a day? Are you sure?
I thought men needed at least 24 hours to recover and renew their bank account before going in for another withdrawal- or have I been lied to all these years....hmmmmm...methinks I shall have a talk to the husband tonight!

programmer craig said...

TuS,

4 or 5 times a day? Are you sure?

Yep, I'm sure. After the second time it's quite difficult to have an orgasm, at which point the guy is basically an organic sex toy!

The horror! :P

I thought men needed at least 24 hours to recover and renew their bank account before going in for another withdrawal- or have I been lied to all these years....hmmmmm...methinks I shall have a talk to the husband tonight!

24 hours? No, not even close. A young guy needs maybe 15 minutes between round 1 and round 2. And older guy, somewhat longer. I guess you have been lied to all these years :)

Don't worry though, once a day is quite a bit better than average for married couples!

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