If you think that you have just one life, think again. There's the life you think you have, the life others think you have and the life you really have- three lives!

Saturday, February 10, 2007


I want to thank everyone who left comments on my story.
Your words really touched my heart. You see, I've held this secret for almost 20 years now and lived with the guilt and shame of what happened. That is why I have never told- I wrapped the story in guilt and shame and hid it in the back of my mind.

What happened back then was the start of a long and hard journey. There were many many more times when I would feel the stinging aftermath of my father's hand across my face and the pain of my mother's biting degradations- my adamance for choosing my own path made me the black sheep; the 'wild child'. Ofcourse my uncanny aptitude for choosing the "wrong" men did not help- my first true love was Coptic Egyptian- as it happened he was not just the "wrong" religion but also the wrong class- his parents threatened to cut him out of their will and stop his allowance if he continued to see me- our relationship ended soon after. But not before his mum rang my mum and exposed our ilicit romance.

It also did not help that I am the first woman in my ENTIRE family (that's about 100 people if I was to bother to actually sit down and count) to ever get divorced and the only woman in my entire family to marry a khawaga (gringo).

With those kinds of credentials, is it any wonder that my life has been one long battle to escape the shadows?


Egypeter said...

I literally laughed out loud when I saw "khawaga" (gringo)

LOL. LOL!! Too funny

How DARE YOU fall for one of those infidel Christians?!?!

Emma intee demeek khafeef...intee sharbat.

halalhippie said...

"the first woman in my ENTIRE family [..]100 people [..} get divorced and [..] marry a khawaga (gringo)."

And you're stronger than a100. You're
one awesome human being.

Roman Kalik said...

So, basically, those women in your family (out of those 100) who had bad marriages chose to stick to community norm instead of common sense?

They be weak women. And ye be one strong human being, TUS.

It's difficult for me to blame them, mind. Peer pressure is a strong barrier to break. I'm just glad you did. :)

The Raccoon said...

20 years is a long, long time...

And yet...

What do you mean, epilogue?

This is like Hemingway slapping an epilogue down right after the old man feels a tug on his line!

TUS, you're a brilliant writer. Seriously. I am really looking forward to reading your book, if it's half as good as your previous three posts.

I know that I am being a selfish Raccoon by begging you to continue the story... especially knowing how hard it must be to write it... but by the Gods, you have a got a story to tell and the gift of telling it. There's so much badly written and irrelevant crap being spewed in ink and electrons... badly needed counterbalance. Imagine how many people you can help, inspire or save just by writing and publishing this. How many thousands, if not millions, are experiencing something akin to what you've experienced but lack the strength to rise and resist - people who might take the needed strength from your words.

So... please continue?

*big Raccoonish eyes staring up*

Carmen said...

You battle with dignity...

Wendy said...

TUS, you have a lovely spirit there.

I am so sorry that you carried this secret alone for so long, and for the neglect and abandonment you experienced at a time when you needed support and affimation. I'm so glad you are getting that now, it seems from many avenues.

Our souls do cry out for dignity, not based on what we do or don't do, but just because of who we are, eternal beings crafted by the hand of God. I found great healing and comfort from the wounds of my childhood abuse, "Wayne" days and later divorce (yea, me too, same shame) from the Great Physician, Jesus Christ. I have an article about Mary, the mother of Jesus on my blog that talks about stigma and shame. Maybe you would find it helpful...writing it helped me as your posts have helped you.

howie said...

Without black sheep...the world won't change...will it?

Funny...with me it was kind of the opposite...very ironic...I was the only one of my generation to marry a Jew (though we have Somonan's, Mexican, Japanese and Lawd knows what else)...and that was kind of shocking...esp. when I showed up with one of the dark varieties.

You see...it is values and behavior that count...not race...Your family obviously valued race/religion and virginity...to the extent of rejecting their daughter.

I don't think most folks retrospect very much...they don't think very deeply or self-criticize...but mostly react...

Your folks should be ashamed...not you.

howie said...


For a drugged out Russian...Raccoon does make occasional sense...I agree with what he says...you write well and you have a story to tell...probably so does Raccoon.

Anonymous said...

I think Howie is right. The one who should be ashamed of is your parents. But, this is how they were brought up, to honour things, not people. I think you've chosen good when you haven't rejected them at all. It's not easy, it will sting as you say, but forgivness is foundation. Maybe, maybe, one day you should start to talk with them about everything and try to show them where they were wrong. Anyhow, respect to you :)

The Raccoon said...

*sticks a tongue out at Howie*

You mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries!

*snigger* :)

howie said...


My dad is half-Ukranian and half-Pollack..get it right..he smelled of vodka and boiled potatoes

And we are Jews...watch the "ham" in hamster!

The Raccoon said...

Mmmm... ham...

*munch munch*

howie said...


Damn those raccoons...and my backyard gets full of them when my fruit trees rippen...and now they are getting into the chazer as well

Damn those raccoons

Mumbo Jumbo said...


TheRaccoon said...

Howie -

With the aid of the Elders, the Raccoonish Nation is taking over the world.

Mwuahahahahaaha! :)

The Usual Suspect said...

Racoon and Howie- behave!

Peter- you need to respond to my next post!

RK- Yes- I did it for 6 years- stuck in a marraige that was unhappy and abusive- something about the shadows that keeps you there!

Wendy and Lilly- thank you. Lilly I don't think I will ever talk to my parents about this- ever- they have erased those years- there are no photos of me during that time and our family simply does not talk about what happened then- like time skipped those years.

TeacherLady said...

I'm sorry you experienced what you did. I hope you don't ever buy in to the guilt and shame people may try to project onto you. Whenever I question a decision I've made, I remind myself that if it IS a mistake, it's MINE to make dammit!

pommygranate said...


Your story is very moving. You are brave to share it.

Tell me though, why are there no women's groups in Australia like these people?

Or are there?